♪ [rock]
[Announcer] What are these people running from?
They're not.
They're running to
the world's toughest competition in town.
Tonight, the amusement park industry
takes on the world's oldest profession.
It's the classic battle
between roller coasters versus bed posters.
So get fired up for MXC.
And now, here are two guys
who always give us a thrill ride:
Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano.
♪ We're doing a show with hookers ♪
Kenny! We're not just doing a show on ladies of the evening,
we're also doing a show involving the amusement parks
and the family entertainment they provide.
But hookers provide entertainment too.
Many would have you believe that prostitution is a victimless crime.
Listen to me. That couldn't be further from the truth.
Yeah, blah, blah. It tears at the very moral pocket of society,
As illustrated here in this educational film, Hookers at the Point Break."
[female voice] I'm young and beautiful and totally for sale.
[laughs] And my breasts are real. Wanna check 'em out?
Huh? Mmm-mmm.
Hey, I'm a surfer, and there's no waves out there.
Guess I'll have to talk to these wahines.
Hi, there.
I'm actually talking to your friend here.
But I'm a better deal. Take me.
Well, it's just I like that green suit she's got on.
What's your name, precious?
Uh-huh. I'll give you more bang for your buck.
You know what? The heck with you, baby.
I'm with her now. Ho, ho, easy!
Around the world's only $47.50.
All right. I'm in. Yeah!
Dramatic and educational stuff.
What did you learn from that, Ken? That surfers get hot chicks.
Ah, so it would seem. Huh?
That is not how it ends.
Hey, beat it. You're a dude. Ha, ha!
[Kenny] Oh, I get it now, Surfers are gay.
Yes, that's ri-- No, Kenny, you missed the whole thing!
Let's go to Guy.
Guy, here, your trusted field reporter.
I am preparing the core-- Ooh, look at this.
With proper tip manipulation, I can adjust the spray pattern.
Oh! Look at that.
First up, we street walk over to Hosin' the Ho's,
then we get fungified with Eat Shitake,
then we take it on the chin with Brass Balls-- Look out!
And then we squeeze out a happy ending with Sinkers and Floaters!
Ooh, once Guy is flowing, he can not stop!
Call Rent-a-Dam to cap Guy's geyser! Skipper!
How many of you think it's immoral
to pay others for simulation
that oftentimes barely lasts three minutes?
Show of hands, now!
Well, you're wrong.
Amusement parks are wholesome experiences
that the whole family can participate in. What say you?
Oh, I totally agree. I'm a male escort.
I make most of my money in amusement park restrooms.
Well, at least you have a job.
Here's some workers from Punjabi Park.
What's the average daily attendance at your park? Go ahead.
Uh... about 40 million.
That's a lot of people.
But no matter how you do the math,
that's a lot of curried corn dogs.
[laughs] Let's go!
[all shouting]
[Vic] And we're off to our first competition,
Hosin' the Ho's!
The team that gets the most members up on the wall
and down the slippery slope of death
and into our soothing safety slides, is the winner.
And, Ken, what is today's safety sludge?
[Vic] It is Sheet Straining from the Camel Hump Brothel in Beirut.
And, of course, in our commitment to safety and hygiene,
we're spraying our prostitutes and amusement park workers
with a disease-hiding fluid made up of cyclomere,
penicillin, and a nice, lemon-scented bleach, Ken.
And it's all potable. And you can drink it too.
Good to know. And look, there's Crenshaw girl Aura Bobber!
Oh! And that is our MXC Impact Replay. Take us through it, Ken.
Well, that whiplash would kill most girls.
But the way she uses her head in her line of work,
her neck muscles are really powerful.
Hookin' saved her life, Vic.
Indeed. It often does, Ken.
Right there, there's Ferris Wheel Buehler!
Oh! He goes down! He's a seatbelt strapper from Seven Flags Over Pacoima.
But coming up right over the top, that's Hank Comsky.
He designed the treacherous thrill ride known as The Bone Smoker.
It goes down faster and longer than the other rides.
Right you are, and so does Hank!
Look at that. There's Shawn Goser.
He guards a private entrance to the Moonlight Bunnyhole.
Oh, he's a back door man? Indeed he is, Ken.
And there's amusement park vomitician, Connie Chunks!
I love the Double Loopy-Loop.
You can vomit at the top and catch it right at the bottom.
Doesn't get any better than that, Ken.
There goes Guido O'Malley, a pimp from Vatican City,
known for hooking up the bishops with some holy "C".
And right there, here's Earl Grey!
He's a teacup ride seeker.
Oh, he bagged that one. Right you are, Ken.
And there's Spluge Underbacksen.
He's a red light bulb replacer from Amsterdam.
Oh, look at this, Vic.
Getting a little help from Guy.
And Spluge over the top.
Oh, look at that skid mark.
He's like a human skywriter. Right you are, Ken.
There's Nard Bagman from Simpletown.
The amusement park for special people.
They have great rides, like, Hang On to the Knotted Rope,
Short Yellow Bumper Cars.
My favorite is Stop Smelling Your Hand.
Right you are. Let's go down to Guy.
Why were you hesitating? What happened? Tell Guy.
I lost my retainer.
I think I swallowed it. [gags]
[Vic] So, even without Nard's Help,
the Amusement Parketeers manage to pull out a win
in Hosin' the Ho's,
and they take the lead 1 to nothing.
[Announcer] When MXC returns,
we'll find out who's the spore loser.
[laughs] Got it, "fun guy"?
Nice one.
[Announcer] MXC is back
with those that take the thrill rides
and those who give 'em.
Ohh, I need a cigarette.
Let's see. Uh...
Oh, I don't know which one to pick.
I like this one. It's got more buttons on it.
Kenny, it doesn't matter which one you use,
but you can only use one.
All right, push here and start. ready? Go.
There we go. [laughs]
Kenny, this is the very latest in amusement park technology.
It's called Virtual Reality Arcading.
[Kenny] Take that!
[Vic] Wait till I bring out the heavy artillery, though.
Whattya mean, heavy artillery?
Kenny! It's Ho-down. The killer dinosaur pimp.
I have only one thing to say about that, eat shitake!
This delightful mushroom game originated with hobbits.
It combines the lighthearted frivolity of fungus flying
with the horror of drowning.
By the way, that's run-off from the Raging Queen ride
at Six Flaming Flags over Fire Island.
Get it on!
And first up for the amusement parks is Mary Goround.
She's a certified carousel horse whisperer.
Takes off nicely there. Good rotation.
Ah!
She can't quite hang on to it, Ken.
You can see she clearly wasn't aggressive there.
Let's take another look. [Mary] Crap.
Mary, of course, a carousel horse whisperer,
very diminutive, very dainty.
I got a message for her.
[whispers] You suck.
And next up is Johnny Johnson.
He's a professional john known for his quick release.
Oh! And you got to see an example of it there.
Of course, he's all finished up,
and on his way home to his wife.
Next up is Dee Arthur.
She's a soft food and beverage manager at Geriatric Land.
Yeah, you can get a lifetime pass,
but it's only good for about six months.
Right you are, Ken. Oh! She almost lands it!
Let's take another look. A twirling gout,
into a fluttering D&R, oh, and she flatlands it, Ken.
Let's go down to Guy.
As I landed, I vomited. [laughs]
Yeah, I was watching. Guy saw you.
You threw up three times. I saw three times!
It was just one! Stop it!
No, I saw it!
Look up there. There's one puddle. Three times!
[Vic] Well, informative stuff as always.
Next up, Dustin Joyce.
She's a headhunter for unemployed hookers.
I wonder if she skims a little off the top.
Something to think about, Ken. But look at this!
Oh! She skimmed off a victory!
What a climactic end to that run.
Dustin Joyce scores one for the pros.
We're all tied up. Next up for the world famous Reptile World,
in Terrapin Springs, Florida.
Here's Al Game, and-- oh!
It looks like he can't hang on, Ken,
and he's down and in the fluid.
Let's take another look at that on replay.
What went wrong here, Ken?
He can't hang on 'cause he's got a fake arm.
It was torn off when he was taunting an alligator with his infant son.
Right you are, Ken. As you can see that lifeless, plastic appendage
doing him absolutely no good.
He could've used a hook.
And here's Susan Ramsey. She's a brothel dietician
who adds carb to the girls' unusually high-protein diet.
It's known as the On-Your-Backtins diet.
Oh, and she's on her back into the fluid, Ken. What a shame.
Next up, Terry Dillinger,
designer of Brown Mountain's most popular thrill ride, the Growler.
Just as you take your seat, they give you a newspaper to read.
Right you are, Ken.
We spoke with him earlier. He told us where he got his inspiration.
Well, I was just sitting there one day,
and it came to me.
The problem with The Growler is
when you're done it leads to a red ring on your butt.
Right, and sometimes your legs fall asleep.
Oh! Look at that! Terry is off into the fluid!
What a shame!
Let's take another look at that.
Right here, he's into a finger puller, a double flush,
and a thunder squat.
Right you are. Next up, Dr. Quinn, medicine man.
He treats escort related injuries.
When girls injure themselves, he get's them back on their backs.
Oh, and he's down into the fluid.
Let's take another look. You can see he hits hard here, flat on his back.
Yeah, he's definitely gonna be laid... up for a while.
Kenny--
So, thanks to Dustin Joyce,
the Prostiteers have tied it up at one to one.
That guy's lame. He doesn't even have a gun.
'Course not, Ken. That's because that's Sam Quentin,
the loveable stick-diddling prison clown.
Yeah, well, Ho-down is gonna slaughter him with his laser gun.
That's what you think.
There, take that. Yeah!
I kicked your ass.
[Announcer] Hey, thrill seekers,
hang on to your brass balls.
MXC will be right back.
[Announcer] MXC is back with funhouses
versus ever funner houses.
Ha ha ha ha!
Hey, Vic, you wanna play this cool game from Panzerland?
It's called, Get Tanked! Totally cool.
Yes, well, it sounds very challenging and exciting.
Of course, I don't know how to use the tank, though.
Well, this guy's controlling me, Irwin Patton.
I will control Kenny's tank,
and remember, don't play with knives.
And over here, who's this?
That's George S. Ramo.
And Mr. Romano will have me to thank for his tank!
See what I did there? Thank you.
All right, here we go.
Hey, Kirk, turn me around, you jerk!
There we go. Ha ha!
He got me! One shot, one kill.
And now, Brass Balls.
[Kenny] The object of this game
is to get across that rickety bridge,
without losing your balls.
And me and my flat mate
are gonna be shooting our gun all over you.
Watch out! We're dangerous!
I got a chubby!
Eeon!
Leave your kids at home.
[Vic] Here's Wally Luster.
He's a former amusement park character.
Lost his job when he exposed his head to park patrons.
Yeah, then he took off the rest of his costume, and they saw his face.
That's a very sordid tale, Ken.
Nice catch there.
Brass ball law from the captain.
Ho! Takes a few shots to the legs there.
Crouching down.
Moving across nicely. At the halfway point.
Oh, and that's it, Ken. He's down!
Let's take another look.
Yeah, right here, Vic.
He takes a hard one to his Mickey,
one to his Daffy,
and the last one one just knocks him Goofy.
Right you are, Ken.
Next up, Wolfgang Fluck.
He's the Buffet Manager at the Chicken Hawk Ranch.
Yeah, it's all you can eat in an hour.
His motto is live, love, eat out.
Good stuff, Ken.
Let's see how he can handle it here.
Looks like he came right from the ranch
wearing his special fluid-repellent smock.
And he can't even get the brass ball from the captain, Ken.
He is down and into the net.
Very, very disappointing.
I prepare nothing!
This is Martin Udell. He's a topiary engineer,
who's responsible for keeping the shrubbery at Busch Gardens anatomically correct.
Yeah, he gave the new entrance a Brazilian landing strip.
Good to know, Ken.
He catches a ball there from the captain.
Moving nicely. He's got a good pace going there, Ken!
Go! Unbelievable. Oh!
And that is our MXC Impact Replay.
Yeah, right here. He gets balled right down to the tree line.
Now it's time for him to act like a tree, and get out of here.
Recycle!
Here's Ramsey Durex. He owns Trojagain,
the condom refurbishment company.
Yeah, they re-tread ribbed condoms. Right you are.
Are those those things you always see on the side of the road?
I don't know, Ken. I think we're in a different car pool.
Oh, he's down!
Let's take another look at that, Ken.
They're helping him celebrate.
Right here. They got him right in his reservoir tip.
That's gotta hurt, 'cause he's ultra sensitive.
Indeed. We had a chance to speak with him earlier.
You get a poorly refurbished condom,
you could get it in the face, loose an eye, maybe a tooth.
Hi. Just drop on myself.
[Vic] Here's Bernie Brooks, owner of San Diego's Wild On Animal Park.
Watch scantily-clad animals party in their natural habitat.
Yeah, I go there for the wet-fur contests.
Indeed you do, Ken.
Let's see how he goes here.
Bernie stepping out.
Get his balance.
Thank you.
[Vic] Taking the ball from the captain.
What's he been eating, ink?
It's hard to tell from here.
There he goes, Ken.
Taking a couple shots, doesn't seem to be bothering him though.
Totally unfazed.
Showing some remarkable concentration.
And it looks like he's gonna make it all the way, Ken, and he does!
Bernie puts scars on the amusement barkers.
Danny Glans does some poor, poor swinging down there.
All night long!
[Vic] And here is Ricardo Gere.
He's a Latin-American gigolo.
Gigolo? What's that?
Well, it's a male prostitute, Ken.
Oh, man, you mean he gets paid to be with guys?
No, Kenny, actually, most of his clientele are women.
Wow! That would be awesome to be a dude to get paid for doing chicks.
Yes, indeed. Oh! He seems to be having some trouble there!
Yeah, he lost his ball.
Indeed, he did, Ken. You can see him using sinewy physique,
which, I'm sure, he uses daily playing his trade.
Coming in handy here.
Man, if I could get paid for doing chicks, I'd be a ga-jillioinaire.
Well, I tell you, Ken, it's not as glamorous as it may sound.
Yeah, yeah. How would you know?
Well, it may surprise you, but in my youth,
I was kind of a well sought-after male escort.
[gasps] Really? That's awesome!
Well, Ken, I'm a little embarrassed.
Oh, and he's down again! Hanging on one-handed.
You were doing chicks and getting paid?
Ken, I didn't do them.
I, uh, provided companionship.
Entertainment, Certain services.
Man! You were a man-ho!
[chuckles] Not exactly, Ken.
But, let's just say I never had an unhappy customer.
Oh! And look at him hanging on here.
What kind of chicks did you go out with?
Well, a lot of quite well-respected ladies in the community.
Whattya mean?
Well, I would chaperone elderly matrons
to various lady-league functions
or cotillions, bridge games, that sort of thing.
Oh, man, old ladies? How'd you keep from throwing up?
Well, actually, Ken I was paid extra for that.
Anyway, he's back up on the bridge.
Let see what he does here.
I think he's going all the way.
Yeah, sure, here we go.
He's down again. He appears to really be having trouble out there, Ken.
Now he's just showing off his fruit basket.
I think you might be right.
Finally! Well, there you have it.
He is down and down for good.
So thanks to the exceptional brass balling of Bernie Brooks,
Amusement takes the lead, two to one.
Hey, Vic. Yes, Ken.
Did you meet this dude here?
I did not.
That's Doc Masters Johnson.
He knows about hookers and science and stuff.
Ask him anything. Go ahead. Ask him.
Well, um... Jeez, I--
Sorry, I can't think of anything right now.
Can you stay around for the next break?
Yes, if you stop hitting me.
Deal.
[Announcer] When MXC comes back,
man tries to pass some painful stones.
[Announcer] MXC is back
with the final battle
of family fun parks versus naughty body parts.
[Kenny] Wow, this is cool.
It's the Pocket Rocket 3000.
[Vic] Very impressive. Very impressive.
So, Doc, it is my understanding...
Where'd you go? ...that you theorized
this is how astronauts will pleasure themselves in the future.
Tell you what, why don't you guys stand right over here,
and I'm going to go ahead and give it a spin.
[Doc] That's never been tested.
That's quite all right. I'm a big proponent of the scientists,
and I don't mind helping out.
10, 5, 7... 3, 2, 1....
Lift off!
[crashing]
Well, definitely an "E" ticket ride.
I could use a cigarette and a moist towelette.
[Vic] It's time for sinkers and floaters,
where contestants must skip across the slippery stones
without getting a mouthful of septic sludge.
Get it on!
[Vic] First up, Slag Bobbaganush.
I hate my mother and my aunt!
Let's go, Handi Wipe.
Slag, of course, opened up the West Bank fun park, Martyrland!
Yeah, it's where life ends and fun begins.
Right you are. Oh! And it looks like this run is over Ken.
I'll pull your trigger!
And that's sexy Sundown Thomas!
Oh! Wow, she's down, Ken.
She fell asleep. Think you might be right.
She, of course, a narcoleptic lady in the evening.
What, does that mean she sleeps during the day?
That means she sleeps all the time, Kevin.
Let's see how she gets through here. Oh!
She's down, but she's managed to stay on that stone, Ken.
Continuing on.
Oh! Down again!
Somebody should poke her or something.
People often do, but it doesn't seem to help.
And you see, she's our MXC Impact Replay.
Ooh, I think she tore her pocket there.
And she lost some change too.
Next up, Carlton Lewis!
He's an amusement park rule breaker.
Refuses to remain seated at all times!
Oh, Kenny! Almost made it!
I don't think he's tall enough for this ride.
Indeed. Next up, Nell Slocomb.
12 months! Same as cash!
A brothel credit manager.
He's really big on the laid-away plan.
Right you are, Ken. Oh!
I bet he wishes he could've laid that one away.
Let's go down to Guy.
How hard is it to get credit?
Oh, easy. Just come on in. Fill out an application.
Let's say Guy has a friend
who does not have very good credit,
but he would like your services.
Could he come in?
Uh, Guy, you know, you're welcome anytime.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Yeah, so come on down. Bring your "friend".
All right. I'll tell him.
Next up, Bobby Mazzungel.
He's a love tunnel scrubber.
Yeah, he deodorizes it and keeps it fresh.
Right you are, Ken.
And he's got a fresh one going right there!
As we take another look at it, he puts Amusement in the lead, three to one.
Next up, Hydro Hooker, Laura Lundquist.
Her specialty is extreme water sports.
Oh!
Oh, look how fast she went down.
Right you are, Ken. Let's take another look at that.
Yeah, right there, going down on that filthy sludge.
She's gonna need a golden shower.
Indeed, next up, Hades McCainbridge.
A concessionary at the Black Magic Kingdom.
The world's most popular Satanic amusement park.
I think he tripped on his cloven hoof.
I think you might be right, Ken.
Come on, baby! Supersize it!
Here's the last chance of the world's oldest profession,
this dainty little flower, Kitty Litter.
She's absorbent and odor free,
and only has to change her box every other week.
Oh! And she's down into the fluid, Ken.
Let's go down to Guy.
Hi! You did so well!
I like you.
I don't normally ask this,
but maybe we could go out for dinner in Glendale.
Yen are yummy.
Would you go with Guy?
Are you kidding? Is it all you can eat?
It is a smorgasbord, and I am it!
[Vic] Well, that's a troubling image to be sure.
Let's take one more look. Kitty Litter.
That's a full buffet.
Right you are.
So, the amusement parkers manage to hang on to the lead,
and the prostitutes go down 3 to 1.
Hey, Vic. Lend me 300 bucks.
Kenny, you're not gonna do what I think you're gonna do.
No, I'm going to the amusement park to get a hooker.
And speaking of amusement center cheap and tawdry,
it's time for Kenny Blankenship's
painful eliminations of the day!
[Kenny] And at number 10,
it's Spluge Underbacksen.
Who skid marks a trail a pioneer could follow.
That's not the Oregon trail, it's the organ trail.
At number 9, it's prostitute and extreme water sporter,
Laura Lundquist.
Just look at her get wet.
You can really see why she's a pro.
And at 8, it's Wally Luster.
Shows us why it takes big brass balls to play brass balls.
And at number 7, GeriatricLand's Dee Arthur
looses her teeth during Eat Shitake,
and is totally denture-creamed.
At number 6, Latin-American gigolo Ricardo Gere
hangs on and on and on,
and finally gets himself off.
And taking in number 5 is Terry Dillinger,
who invented The Growler thrill ride.
He drops himself off at the septic pool.
Numero four-o goes to fallen woman Sundown Thomas,
who pulls herself up by the bra straps
and shakes her moneymaker.
And number 3, topiary engineer Martin Udell.
He must have bush on his mind,
because he certainly wasn't thinking about his brass balls.
And number 2 is call girl Aura Bobber,
who gets whacked in the back of her head.
Just another day at the office.
And my most painful elimination of the day goes to...
hooker Kitty Litter, who makes a big splash.
How could she not?
With this trollop, you get a lot of bang for your buck.
Heeeere, kitty, kitty, kitty.
So, Kenny, what have we learned today?
Never mind, you're not gonna listen to me anyways. Yeah, whatever.
Just get us out of here.
[all] Don't get eliminated!
[Kitty Litter] Come on, baby! Supersize it!
Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA